By Michael “Ace” Baker

I smoke “Kurupts Moon Rock”.

A Moon Rock is a marijuana bud that is rolled in hash oil and then covered in kief. They claim that it is the strongest bud in the galaxy. It’s also the most expensive. But my wife is a kind woman and she allows me to dig a little deeper into our family budget each week to afford this green delight.

I go to a groovy Medical Marijuana Pharmacy. It’s the “W Hotel” of Pot Pharmacies. Some pharmacies are bright and soulless, but not mine. Mine has mood lighting and fantastic music playing. The people who work there are young, fun, good looking people. They know me. They always take the extra time to show me all of the newest THC items available….. the edibles, the vapo pens, the traveling cases.

And so I have to admit that when I strolled thru the door last Thursday, I was feeling a bit euphoric. I was walking into a place that I love…..the scent, the countertop filled with endless rows of jars of fine cannabis…….mmmmmmm……. I felt lost in the splendor.

And that’s when I noticed the girl holding the flyers. She was tall, Latin, mid-20’s, and she was gorgeous ….. great eyes, soft lips, and a killer body……. Between my natural pharmacy intoxication and the buzz that looking at this girl was giving me, I was in a complete stupor.

The beautiful girl spoke, “Have you ever heard of HighGasm?”, she asked.

“No”, I stumbled. But I loved the fact that “gasm” was part of the word. “What’s a HighGasm?”

“HighGasm is a pure cannabis edible personal lubricant. It heightens the sexual experience. . You just rub it on your sexual partner’s private area and lick it off.”

I stared into her green eyes and heard the words rattle around in my head, “You just rub it on your sexual partner’s private area and lick it off….” …….Good lord……

Then she asked, “Would you like to try it?”

At this point I was dizzy and confused…… was this girl asking me to rub this lubricant on her private part and sample it???…… I coughed and asked quietly, “Do you mean you and I?….try it here??”

Now SHE was stunned. “No, not you and me…… you can taste it on this toothpick”

She held up a toothpick with some gel on it. I started to panic. I still wasn’t sure what this stuff was supposed to do….Was this a natural cannabis Viagra?? Was I going to get an immediate erection? I was wearing loose fitting shorts in a room of 8 people… I didn’t want an erection. I didn’t want to intensify my sexual feelings. I just wanted my Moon Rocks. 

She pushed the toothpick to my mouth…… “Here, try it.”

I tasted the toothpick and immediately started to concentrate on all of the things that men concentrate on when they’re trying not to get a boner in public: dead puppies, old cafeteria ladies, hairy toes…… a few seconds later the taste went away and I was relieved to find that I was still flaccid.

“Would you like to try another flavor?”, the girl asked. “I still have “Blowberry” and “Cock-o-nut”.

I was starting to come out of my fog. “I……I don’t think so”, I stammered. 

“Would you like to buy some and take it home?”

“I don’t think so, “ I smiled. “I’m married”.

“Well, your wife might enjoy it!!!” She gave me another bat of those hypnotizing eyes.

But here’s where she lost the sale. Now I don’t claim to be an expert in the Art of Marriage. Every day is a learning process and it’s never-ending. My wife remains as big of a mystery to me now as she was 15 years ago when we started dating. HOWEVER, I have learned a few things along the way:

IF…… your wife is kind enough to let you dip into the Household Finances and spend a little extra money on Moon Rocks… DO NOT come back home with a bottle of gel and proudly announce, “Hi honey, I’m home. And I picked up a little something to make your vagina taste better!”

(Buzzer sound!!! Buzzer sound!! Buzzer sound!!!!!)

Equally as forbidden is the other scenario…… “Hi honey, I’m home and I’ve brought you a gift. It’s a lubricant that I splash all over my penis and then YOU lick it off…… …… no need to thank me…….doesn’t it sound like fun?”

(Buzzer sound!!! Buzzer sound!! Buzzer sound!!!!!)

I smiled, took one last look into her green eyes, and quickly dismissed myself to the “Top Shelf Counter” where the Moon Rocks are kept in a very special jar. 

I bought 3 grams and left.